News, facts & fun

passport application

2009-12-30T08:24:00.001-08:00

Dear Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.

Do you people do this by hand?

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!

Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor...

who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN...

Yours sincerely,

An Irate British Citizen.

Pope knocked down at christmas by woman

2009-12-24T17:44:00.001-08:00

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/34589068#34589068

What a celebration. Fidge filled with food which became 30% more expensive two days ago. Nice family drama's while enjoying an exclusive wine and what happens? Knocking down the pope? Drama of the year. Doh.. move on.. NEXT. (Opens a beer).

Bombing the wrong home: FAIL

2009-12-24T16:28:00.000-08:00

Revenge on adultery of his girlfriend. A very bitter man in Georgia is accused of an attempt of fire foundation, heavy maltreatment and possession of explosives.

The man found out his girlfriend was cheating on him, what is the most logic reaction? 1)You go on your knees and tell you will really use Viagra from now on. 2) Start a fist fight with glued glass on your gloves 3) Ask friendly if you can get your girlfriend back when he is done or… 4) Yes right…. Bomb the home with a molotov cocktail. If you go for option 4, please make sure you have the right home. After recognizing he was bombing the wrong home with his cocktails, he stopped. The fool is now counting bars in an extra secured institution. According “Augusta Chronicle” a spokes man of justice told nobody got wounded by the action of this man. Some comments on this news: - How was their relation if he bombs the wrong home? - People can do crazy things to heat up their girlfriends. – This can happen when you drink first from your own “home build on vodka based” Molotov cocktail. – Shit happens.

Volcano about to have a huge ejaculation.

2009-12-24T15:54:00.000-08:00

Filipinas: And does this Mayon volcano pays emission rights? Let’s all go back to Copenhagen for a discussion. By the way, I have a nice home for sale, loads of land in hilly area, nice and warm, Filipinas.

Vulcano experts are about to yell code red, high active, grab your cell phone, money, passport and oh, don’t forget wife and kids.

Check out the wonderful pics of this amazing “about to collapse” nature force.

he forgot his cell phone

Serious request for everybody who gave me the best wishes for 2009:

2009-12-24T15:31:00.000-08:00

It did not help a single sh*t!
For 2010 please sent me money, alcohol or in the worst case: Value coupons!!

Antibioticum: Food for Tuberculosis

2009-12-24T15:22:00.000-08:00

Baltimore: American and Chinese scientists found a tuberculosis bacterial which not just die from the antibiotic Rifampicine but even grow better.
This is announced in the international medical journal of Tuberculosis and lung Disease. This kind of problems (resistance against certain antibiotics) is a well known growing problem. People who found they don’t experience problems anymore, stop taking the medication before the bacterial is totally destroyed. The bacterial has the chance to get resistance to the medication. This is the first time, bacterial are found, which under the influence of a certain antibiotic grow extra hard. Scientists discovered this problem due to a case of tuberculose of a 35 year old Chinese. When he was treated with rifampicine, it went from bad to worse. He only recovered a bit from a different antibiotic. Tests in laboratories showed the bacterial he was infected with, grew enormously with rifampicine. Scientists still don’t have any explanation for the mechanism behind this

Discovered: Planet with a lot of water!

2009-12-16T16:41:00.000-08:00

Moving issues? Too crowded? Always wished to live far away from your mother in law? The solution is out there. Outside a bit (42 light years away) land for rent. This so called “exo planet GJ 1214b” is
much smaller and colder than other discovered exo planets. But it looks more like earth then all the others. This is told by scientific people from the Harvard-Smithsonian centre for Astrophysics. The discovery of the SUPER EARTH is an important step forward in the search for worlds which look like earth (comment in the magazine Nature last Wednesday).

Because this planet seems to be a bit far away (fast calculation: 397.625.760.000.000 km, almost same figure as on the counter of my old car, which is an inheritance from Fred Flinstone) we are looking for people who can find a way to get there fast (beam me up Scotty-kinda way). Any ideas?

This planet has a radius of about 2.7 times as big as the earth, possible ¾ is covered with water and ice. Also there are clues that GJ1214b has an atmosphere. Even though there is water, it seems the super earth is too warm for life as on earth (do you get this? Too warm and ice? How is the CO2 level there? Did Al Gore visit there already?)

After the perfect tip to go from A to GJ faster, here already my coordinates: N44.39327/E.2.42239 at the right side of the third moon on the left. Hot Chocolate is waiting for you (or cold beer?)

My favourite christmas cake recepy

2009-12-16T15:18:00.000-08:00

What do we need with Christmas?

Ingredients:
2 cups flour
1 stick butter
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs

* Nuts
* 2 bottle wine
* 2 cups of dried fruit
Sample the wine to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the wine again.
To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the wine is still OK. Try another cup... Just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the wine to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the wine. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or something. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the wine and wipe counter with the cat.

Go to Tesco and buy cake.

Bingle Jells!

Climate top breaks record CO2

2009-12-16T13:03:00.000-08:00

The meeting in Copenhagen results in as much Cole dioxide as 2300 Americans per year or 660.000 citizens of Ethiopia. Never before in the history an international conference about the climate gave so much damage to the earth.

Authorities of Denmark (organizers of this conference) provided these figures last Monday

Thousands of representatives, ministers, journalists, lobbyists etc. went to the Climate conference in Scandinavia, most went by plane. All added up, it is good for a pollution of 46.200 ton of CO2. Of course Denmark tried to reduce it as much as possible. The top itself would be responsible (according the figures) for 5700 ton of Cole dioxide due to transport of the contributors, meals, using of computer and other. The plane tickets of the people present results in 40.500 ton of CO2 emission.

IT Technical Support

2009-12-16T12:02:00.000-08:00

A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail.
What can I do?

Signed,
_______ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________
Reply

Dear Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2..0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Good Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!

No more forced Internet Explorer, D-day

2009-12-16T11:38:00.000-08:00

Finally the day came, we, poor and ignorant internet users, are no longer forced to use Microsoft’s own browser “Internet Explorer” (here are meant, the non creative people who can't find firefox etc.). The European Commission pressed Microsoft
a bit to agree the freedom of internet users of choosing the browser they wish. This is a juridical binding agreement of Microsoft according webworld.

Neelie Kroes, a commissioner of the EU won her long hard battle against Microsoft. The battle for more competition in order to give consumers more choices, options and accordingly resulting in lower prices.

Woman lynched by civilians in Guatemala

2009-12-16T10:04:00.000-08:00

Police in Guatemala are not the most fanatic of the world. Due to this reason, civilians often take over the job of the police officers. This woman, Alejandra Maria Torres, found this out in a horrible manner.
Alejandra, together with 3 men, attacked a bus. The “gentlemen” knew to escape but the unfortunate Torres got lynched by a crowd which got furious and crazy. She got beaten, kicked and finally sprinkled with petrol and put into fire. At the last moment police could rescue her. After treatment of her wounds in the hospital she was brought to the prison.